By Olaf Poris, Consultant, London
Outgoing Mayor to launch ‘Boris Boards’ scheme to get London hovering
The Metro has exclusively reported that Boris Johnson’s parting gift to Londoners before standing down as Mayor will be a hoverboard rental scheme. Backed by McDonalds, ‘Boris Boards’ will be available in Royal Parks and select London boroughs from April.
The scheme will be based on the popular cycle hire scheme that has been credited with improving the fitness of Londoners who cycle for miles looking for an empty docking station, and will cost £5 per hour to rent.
It is unclear whether the scheme will be supported by either the Labour or Conservative Mayoral candidates and safety campaigners will also have reservations given the high profile recall that affected ‘hoverboard’ manufacturers over Christmas.
Government’s Backwards Plan to Boost Broadband Connectivity
ISP Review has revealed that Government is considering a plan to introduce a new “Backwards Class” designation for communities that suffer from poor broadband connectivity. The new system aims to help the BDUK programme by identifying communities that are most in need of further investment and would see related areas benefitting from ‘cost and efficiency savings’ designed to improve local life, connectivity, and services.
The new system will be introduced next year, and related areas would benefit through the withdrawal of all public and utility services, public transport, voting rights, healthcare, and being de-scoped from the Broadband Delivery UK roll-out plan with BT.
This system would result in significant cost savings and would thus encourage locals to find their own solutions and reports have suggested that the savings could be reinvested to build a bigger fence around the Channel Tunnel entrance at Calais.
Order your food telepathically
“Deliveroo’s patented #TeleOrder technology will allow our users to free up their time and their hands.”
In a promotional video marking the launch of @Deliveroo’s new telepathic ordering system, a spokesman explains, “Our customers are busy people and we know that they don’t have time to push buttons or swipe left and right”. Consequently, they’ve developed a way for customers to order food telepathically, thereby helping their customers reduce stress and save energy by not having to swipe or tap their phones.